This blog has been here for a few months, but it never felt quite right. It’s been about Cam, and it still is, but it’s also about me, which just makes me squirm. But lately, I’ve been thinking, why not just go with it?
I’m here on Earth just trying to do what everybody else is doing…find my way through this mess I call my life. It’s a constant search for some sort of balance between my strengths and my weaknesses, humility and confidence, my stupids and my smarts. And I thought, why not write about it? Maybe I can find some train wrecks who want to flail around with me! It could be fun!
So here goes…
I’m a mom, a wife, a mother, a veterinarian and a writer (and lots of other things) but sometimes those things don’t work together very well. And quite often I suck at one or all of them.
My big kids are smarter than me and my youngest has a brain tumor (and a whole host of physical and mental problems that come with it), so I REALLY suck at parenting on most days. And that breaks my heart. And it’s embarrassing.
I’m a veterinarian too, which is a cool job and I love it, but it constantly makes me cry and question myself, even as I feel thankful and oh-so-smart for finding a job where I get to work with animals. Sometimes I go home with poop in my pocket. Literally.
My latest endeavor is to become a writer, which is an amazingly long shot at best. Still, I get up at five in the morning every day to work on it and I get rejected constantly, but I love it. And that’s really the reason I’m exposing my deepest insecurities online. Platform is a bitch.
But I suck as a friend. And I interrupt people too much and drink too much coffee. I have stretch marks and stray chin hairs. Sometimes I have beer and ritz crackers for dinner. I cuss too much and refuse to wear makeup (it itches) and really still love to watch X Files reruns.
There’s a lot of things wrong with me, but I keep trying. Maybe I’m finally old, or maybe my baby having cancer shook me up, or maybe it’s watching my oldest go through eighth grade (wow….just, wow), but I realized there are people who feel a lot like I do. Like an insecure human.
I started this blog to write about Cameron, but I’m beginning to realize I was hiding behind him. He is the hero to all of us, and his story is worth telling, but each one of us has a story, including me. In fact, if Cam is the super hero, that makes me Alfred or Pepper Potts and that’s pretty cool too.
So here’s my blog. Read it if you want. And let me know what you think. Because I’m gonna try to figure out how to read comments, too 🙂
Your writing and your finesse at handling the unhandleable has amazed and enthralled me since I first read your words. I am so grateful you CAN put your world into worlds so elegantly and effectively – it helps us all.
(Words) haha!! Seems ironic.
Brenda, I’ve had an amazing mentor! Thanks for always being such a solid rock in my sometimes-unsteady world 🙂
Love you and your story and your family. Good life lessons for all of us.
Lorna, we love you too! The world isn’t always happy and fun, right? What’s important is getting up after you fall down and looking at the light when things look dark. You and grandpa are amazing examples of that! 🙂
You’ve put into words how we all feel! Some days I feel pretty smart and accomplished, and some days I think I should just find a quiet place to hide out and wait for life to pass on by–cause no one would notice and my life might be better off if I just quit trying. Cause my trying often ends in failure or at least less than good results.
All that you’re experiencing is making you wise and real. And that’s what is coming across loud in clear in your writing. Keep it up, Mama!!! We all benefit!!!
Carol, thanks for your kind words. You are an inspiration and you raised a couple of fine boys (plus Pops! Ha!). Thank you for your support all these years, thanks for making Kris and thanks for being real when things get tough 🙂
I am flailing!!
And like your writing.
Catie, I’ve never met anyone to flail with so much style 🙂 You have been an inspiration to me from the day I met you. Thanks and I miss you!
You are way too hard on yourself. You are an amazing person who is dealing with huge issues. Every time I see you, you have a smile, make me laugh, and have an attitude which inspire me. Your writing is excellent. I can’t wait to read more.
Jenny, thank you so much for all your support. You are a bright light in my life!